Rambling Thoughts

I just wanted to say thanks to all of my friends and family who have shared their love to Andrew and I during this time. I especailly want to say thanks to the ones who have opened up to me and shared their stories about their struggles with infertility, as I know first hand how difficult it is to admit that you are going through that. It doesn't get easier, at least for me, but it is something I have grown to somewhat accept as a part of me. I still have faith that if God wants me to have my own baby, He will give me one.  I cling to my decision to adopt and hope and pray that it will happen soon for us. The hardest thing to do is sit back and wait. As I mentioned earlier, I am not a patient person. Waiting on something (anything) is not easy for me, and to have something like this so out of my control is even harder. I know that God is working on me and within me for whatever reason, I am still not sure, but I know it's gotta be a good one.

Today I got to see 10 out of my 11 nieces and nephews. I don't usually get to see them all in one day but between birthday parties and hanging out with my sisters it just happened. It was a good day for me but also reminded me of how badly I want a family of my own. It's not easy being bored out of your mind on a lazy Saturday. I crave for the day that I am super busy with my kids, loving them, hauling them around, and telling them to quit fighting with each other. I am ready for my house to be filled with loud kids and maybe even for a hole or two in the walls. (I know, I should be careful for what I ask for.) I think it would fill the void I have in my heart right now.

My friend Deni sent me some books on adoption (thanks Deni) and I have been trying to read through them. I've already finished one, it took me a day and a half, and I can't wait to dive deep into another. One of the book's title stood out to me, Secrets thoughts of an Adoptive Mother, and I pretty much read it cover to cover. Some of the things the author said were the exact thoughts that I have been thinking. It just reassured me that the things I have been thinking are only normal and part of the process, I guess.  Whew...what a relief.  One of the biggest things that I have been struggling with in my mind is the fact that I have to prove myself worthy to be a parent. It kinda seems a little unfair to me, because if I had my own child I wouldn't have to do that, and no one would question any of my intentions. In a way it's almost offensive to me. I personally think that what ever child God decides to give us is gonna be so lucky to have us as parents. Ohhh, and the love that baby is gonna get, after all, I've been holding in all this "baby love" for quite some time now. I can't wait!!!

My two sister's children: Noah, Bryce, Michelle, and Ava